Quacks and Criminals
by fanfictionisLiFe
Summary: What happens when our girls are awaken by a noise downstairs? Humor intended. No Angst. Couple bad words. Rated teen for Santana's choice of words.You should check it out. One SHOT. R&R


Hey you guys, first Brittana fanfic here, and this one is a one-shot. I'm not experienced nor prompt enough to do an epic fanfic. Well a professor from law school inspired me on this one, he told our group a little something about a criminal case, and I thought of our girls. Well I can't spoil it so here we go!

It was late in the night at the apartment that Brittany and Santana had shared. The analog clock blurred 2:13 on Brittany's sleeping form. A rapping noise sounded from downstairs, gradually getting louder until it woke the blonde up. She quickly nudged her sleeping girlfriend.

"San, I heard something downstairs! What if it's a criminal…?" She said to her girlfriend that was still very much so unconscious lying next to her, snoring softly.

"Santana!"

"What? Brit baby, please go back to bed. I'm so exhausted." Santana said, turning away from Brittany and trying to let sleep reclaim her once again.

"I heard something coming from downstairs! It could be a criminal Santana, and Luie isn't even in the room! What if he gets hurt?" Brittany shrieked, tearing up, waking her girlfriend up for good.

"Seriously Brittany? Okay. I'll go check for 'criminals'…." Santana replied while rolling out of bed and pulling on her robe. '_Brittany really needs to quit with this' _she thought.

"Here take this. Bring Luie back too. Thanks honey." Brittany reached under the bed to hand Santana a green plastic bat, and sat on the bed and started to chew her fingernails.

Santana took the bat without so much of a question. She descended down the stairs and proceeded to check every room. The living room was clear, the office was clear, but she did find Luie sitting on top of the hamper in the laundry room.

"There you are you little booger, mommy and Auntie Tana were looking for you. I knew there were no criminals down here, let's get a snack and go back to bed." She said to the medium- sized brown domestic house duck. The duck had been Santana's gift to Brittany as she graduated. He grew from a little duckling, to a 'handsome young man' as Brittany would like to put it.

As Santana went into the kitchen to get a snack she dropped the duck and bat all in one motion. There was a strange, grungy, helpless looking man in her kitchen sitting at her breakfast bar. So many questions came into her mind, put firstly she did not panic.

"May I help yo- no, wait a freaking minute. _Esta es me casa!_ Get the hell out of my apartment, you creep!" Santana spat. She was becoming more of a softy as she played 'house' with Brittany. Every so often her real Lima roots would seep out.

"Naw, mam I be no trouble, I'm just stopping by for some cereal." The man said, showing her a mouth with 3 missing front teeth.

"Stopping by for some cereal? What does this look like to you, the fucking waffle house? Are you nuts? _Esta es me casa_! Leave! Now!" Santana's face was starting to get heated, because it seems like the weirdest shit always happens to her when she is trying to get some shut eye.

"No."

"What do you mean no? Get off of my property!" The Latina yelled.

"Mam, I'm not leaving till I gets some cereal." The man said deeply rooted into his chair.

_Nice grammar, _Santana thought. "Look dude, I will take this plastic bat and beat you out of my house with this little duck as my witness if you don't leave right now."

The man stayed seated

Santana then picked up the green bat and approached the stranger. She reeled back and was about to get a hard whack in, before Brittany came downstairs, shouting in their direction.

"Santana what are you doing?" Brittany took the bat from her girlfriends hands and put her and on her hip. All little Luie could do was look back and forth between the pair with anticipation.

"Taking care of the criminal, I was going to get him to leave." Santana said looking at Brittany, and then the grungy man.

"This is no criminal Santana, just a cute old man. He has no ball or chain on his foot, or black and white on his clothing." Brittany replied matter-of-factly.

Santana didn't even fight with the blonde. _The man was too a criminal because he trespassed on private property, and wouldn't leave when she told him to. She could shoot the man right now and it would all be justified. Stupid old ass man, and he is NOT cute!_ She just sat down at the kitchen table in defeat. Luis quacked, as if to say. "_you are so whipped"_

"Shut up you." Santana replied to the duck.

"Hey, there I'm Brittany, and you must be lost. Care to tell me why you are at my kitchen table?" Brittany asked, beaming at the stranger.

"I was tellin' ya companion here that I want some cereal." The man said, looking at Brittany expectantly.

"Sure you can have some cereal, better yet, would you like a home-cooked meal?" Brittany smiled, going to the cabinets to pull out some cooking materials.

"That'd be dandy my dear, thank you kindly."

About thirty minutes later, the kitchen was filled with a pleasant aroma. Blueberry muffins, eggs, toast, ham, and fresh coffee were sat out on the table for the group. Luie even got a plate of food.

"Babe, it's so good." Santana said for a moment forgetting that the old man was in her company.

"I've never seen a lil duck that eats at the table wit' house folk, he truly is a lucky duck." The stranger cooed, running his hands over the ducks brown fur.

"Luie is a part of the family; we love him like he's our kid." Brittany muttered while looking over at Santana.

Santana felt the guilt trip. Brittany just gave her the '_ I want kids in the future look' _. She immediately felt looked to her lap for comfort.

"Well I'll be a goin'. Thank you so much Brittany for this' wonderful meal. Here, take this." He showed his gratitude, giving her a pink sheet of paper.

"A pick 5 ticket? The hell?" Santana snapped as she peered over Brittany's shoulder.

"It's some sort of lottery, I can never win those dagnabit things. It's the least I could do for you all." He said shrugging his shoulders and picking his hat off of the hat rack. _ The nerve. _Santana thought.

"Be back whenever I'm hungry"

"Like hell you will!" Santana shouted not before slamming the door in the man's face.

"San, that's really mean." Brittany said while picking up the duck and retreating upstairs.

"Brittany wait!" Santana pleaded while shuffling up the stairs after her upset girlfriend

"Baby I'm sorry, I love you. It just kind of ticks me off when a random stranger takes advantage of me in my own house! That's not normal and it pisses me off. I still want to hit him." Santana finally explained as she reached the top room and laid beside Brittany and the duck. She slowly started to rub Brittany's arm. It always worked.

"I forgive you. But first you have to give me a massage, and Luis wants one too." Brittany pondered, and the duck just quacked in jubilance.

"Consider it done"

About an hour later, after Santana had massaged every tense muscle on her girlfriend's body, and her little ducks', they heard the news and the 'pick 5' ticket drawing numbers appeared and they instantly tuned in. They retrieved the slightly crumpled ticket that the man had given them approximately an hour before. _Here goes nothing_ Santana thought. To her astonishment, All five of the numbers were called. She and Brittany had won $5,000 and she was very happy about it.

"Brittany! We won! Give me a kiss, sweetheart." With that Santana pulled Brittany into a kiss. Things were getting heated when Luis let out a quack.

"San! We were squishing him." Brittany said, pulling her duck into her lap.

"What will we do with the money?" Santana questioned, deeply in thought.

"We can buy Luie a new collar, and bathtub, and get him a girlfriend!" Brittany cheered looking at the duck with glee.

"Woah… we don't need little ducky babies running around. We can get him a male friend." Santana suggested.

Luis quacked with joy

"I think we've got a homo on our hands Britt." Santana joked while petting the duck and lying back on her pillow, waiting for sleep to reclaim her body once again.

"I know what else we can do Britt"

"What?"

"Get that creepy son-of –a –bitch a lifetime supply of cereal."

"I love you, Santana"

"More than I love anyone else in this world." Santana replied.

Luis quacked in agreement, and the three of them fell once again into a peaceful slumber.

-FIN.

Short. Sweet. To the you go folks. All in one sitting. Yes this was based off of a court case. If you are as much of a nerd that I am you can message me and I'll tell you which one it is. I know Brittana fan fiction is HUGE right now, so my fanfic might be on the first page for a couple of hours. Read and Review please. Tell your friends. Tumble it. Let me know how it made you feel. Any challenges for me belong in my INBOX. Happily accepting one-shot offers. Thanks for dropping by. OVER AND OUT.


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